Dipshits and Dumbasses: The First Adventure
by Llwynog the Bard
Summary: Seven young adventurers set out on a campaign that will test their strength, wit, and resolve. Rated M for language and what-not, just to be on the safe side. I can only choose two genres, but if I could choose a third it would be humor. This isn't meant to be taken too seriously.
1. Chapter 1

_I don't own Dungeons & Dragons.  
_

* * *

**Dipshits & Dumbasses**

**Ch. 1**

"So," said Vernon, "Joe's tonight?"

"As long as he's cool with it," said Wayne. "I'll ask him during English."

"Who's DMing?" Adam asked. "Joe or I either one could if you don't want to, since you do it pretty much every time."

"No," said Wayne. "I don't mind. Besides, I've got something good planned."

"We need to let Allen know, too," said Doug.

"He doesn't get a choice," said Blake

"Alright," said Adam, "not that I want like a sausage-fest or anything, but can we please have no girlfriends this time?"

"What's wrong with having them play, too?" Vernon inquired. "How many guys can say they've actually played _Dungeons & Dragons_ with girls?"

"Probably more than you'd think," said Adam, "but you know how it is every time they play. For one thing, we never get all of us when we say we will, then someone has to go pick up so'n'so, then someone else has to go get these people, then we have to make a Taco Bell run, then the phone rings or someone gets a text or whatever, and by the time we're actually ready to start it's usually 12:30 or 1:00 and we never get anything done."

"Ok ok, you've got a point," admitted Wayne. "Alright, I'll spread the word; no women tonight."

"Just think," said Doug, "if none of us had girlfriends at all, instead of them just not being there, it would truly be DnD the way it was meant to be."

"A bunch of sex-starved nerds playing with little dice," said Blake. "Sounds about right to me."

"Call yourself a nerd all you want," said Doug. "I kick ass."

"On three?" Adam prompted. The others nodded. "Doug," Adam said. Then one by one, he, Blake, Vernon, and Wayne built a seventh chord as they sang to Doug, "You're a bitch." Then the bell rang which signaled the end of lunch.

* * *

"Alright, since we're doing this like we used to," said Wayne once the group was convened around a table in the front room of Joe's house, "this will be a level-1 campaign. If I'd thought to say so at school we could've already had characters written up."

"Proof that you're a dumbass," said Adam. "It doesn't take that long though."

The boys sat at the table hunched over their character sheets, each one with a _Dungeons & Dragons Players Handbook 3__rd__ Ed._ open by their side.

"Joe, what are you doing?" Wayne asked as Joe set his pencil down and got up. Then he saw that Joe was setting up an easel with a dry-erase board. "Oh, never mind." As the rest continued to write up their characters, Joe began to draw.

"Oh, goddammit, Joe," said Doug as he, too, finished his character.

Once everyone finished, Joe got their attention.

"Here it is, guys: the honorary penis." He stepped aside to reveal a huge penis he had drawn on the board. "Nice and veiny."

"Jesus Christ," said Allen. "Can we get on with it?"

"Yes," said Wayne. "Joe, get rid of that. Alright, so before we start let's go around and tell our names, races, and classes. We'll just go clockwise around the table, so Allen, we'll start with you."

"Ok," said Allen. "I shall be Lukrain Evergreen, and I am a Human Barbarian."

"I," said Joe, "am Himo Augustus, and I am a High Elf Druid."

"Laucian Galanodel," said Adam, "Wood Elf Bard."

"Naïlo, Half-Elf Ranger," said Vernon.

"Hrothgar," said Doug, "Dwarf Fighter."

"Flin, Human Cleric," said Blake.

"Alright," said Wayne, "and I'll NPC my character Amakiir."

"So we're set," said Blake. "Let's do this."

"Ok, but first," Wayne interjected, "a magic trick. See this quarter?" He showed them the coin. "I will now force it through this table."

"Have you seen this before?" Doug whispered to Blake. "This is a good trick."

Wayne fiddled with his fingers in a showy, stage-magicianly way, and demonstrated the solidity of the table. He then set the coin face down on its surface, and raised his hand to strike it. At the moment of impact, when his fist hit the table, everything was plunged into darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

_I don't own Dungeons & Dragons. Also, I'd like to point out that what follows largely consists of the first campaign that my friends and I went on in high school. The party is based on the group I ended high school with (minus one who only came in to visit every so often), which is different from the party that took part in this campaign, but it's fiction, so who cares?  
_

* * *

**Dipshits & Dumbasses: The First Adventure**

**Ch. 2**

"What the fuck?" Doug moaned as he came to.

"Holy shit," said Joe. Once their vision had returned, they could see that they were no longer in the front room of Joe's house. Instead, they found themselves in the middle of a vast field of grass, the sun setting far off in the west.

"Holy God, dude!" exclaimed Adam. "Look!" He was pointing at Allen, and so they all looked. Instead of the _Xbox_ hoodie and jeans that he'd had on earlier, he was now clad in armor made of various animal hides.

"What the – shit, look at your ears!" Adam felt his ears, and to his amazement found that they were now pointed.

"Call me crazy," said Vernon, "but it looks like we've turned into our characters."

"You're finally awake," said a familiar voice to their right. They turned to find Wayne, but with pointed ears.

"Wayne?"

"More or less," he said. "My name is Amakiir."

"He's an NPC," said Joe. "He told us he'd do that."

"I piled your things over there," said Amakiir, gesturing to the piles he'd made. "Everything is there. I wasn't sure how long you'd be out so I took the liberty."

They retrieved their belongings; everything they had recorded on their character sheets was now a physical item. Thankfully, they found that their ability scores were real as well.

"Alright, so now that we've got our things, now what?" posited Blake.

"I guess we go," said Vernon.

"Go where?" demanded Allen.

"Go," said Vernon. "Just go, out somewhere."

"I suggest we go west," said Amakiir.

"Why west?" asked Adam.

"Because there's a horde of goblins heading this way. Look." They looked, and sure enough, a massive wave of bodies was heading towards them at an incredible pace. Without saying a word, they all agreed that Amakiir was right, so they took off running. Still, the goblin horde was gaining on them. Just as they thought they were done for as soon as they'd begun, the ground gave out below them.

* * *

They fell for what seemed like an eternity. They could see the goblins above them keep on going on their westward track. Finally, after an indeterminable amount of time, they plunged beneath the water. After a certain amount of thrashing about, they reached the sandy shore.

"Jesus," coughed Doug. "I thought I was going to drown!"

"No wonder," said Amakiir. "Look at how much your armor weighs and how much gear you're carrying."

"Wayne never makes us figure in those penalties…"

"Come on," said Vernon. "Let's get a fire going and make camp. We don't know how long we'll be here, so we might as well." He and Joe, being wilderness experts, set to building a fire even in these undesirable conditions. Meanwhile, Doug and Allen got to work pitching their tents.

"I still can't believe you brought four tents," Allen said as they worked.

"I have a Strength score of 16," said Doug. "I figured, I can carry it so why not?"

After a few moments their camp was ready. Then Blake suggested they have a look around. They found that they were in an immense cavern. In front of them stretched a huge underground lake, and behind them, a tunnel led off to some unknown place. One of the walls of the tunnel, however, was made of smooth masonry.

"That looks interesting," said Adam, gesturing to the masonry wall.

"Let's go take a look," suggested Blake.

Adam, Blake, and Amakiir walked over to the wall. They found that it was covered in mysterious glyphs that had been carved into the side.

"Fascinating," said Adam. Just then they heard a loud _glug_ sound, like a stopper being momentarily let out of a massive drain. "Did you hear that?"

"Yeah," said Joe. "It sounded like it came from the lake. Let's check it out." They approached the water cautiously, not sure of what they would find. Then, quicker than lightning, something huge and black coiled around Joe and pulled him under.

"Joe!" shouted Vernon. They waited apprehensively. Then, without warning, Joe breached the surface, still coiled in what they now saw to be a massive black tentacle that was thrashing him around.

"Come on, bitch!" cried Allen as he swung his greatsword at the tentacle. The blade embedded itself in its side momentarily, but no blood escaped, and indeed it appeared as though the tentacle's owner didn't care at all. All that came of his attempt was that, in a flash, he, too, was caught in a tentacle.

"Shit," spat Vernon.

"Ok," Blake said frantically. "I'll try _Inflict Minor Wounds _on it and see what that does." He brandished his wooden Sun of Pelor icon and said the incantation, and immediately the tentacle holding Allen released its grip before shriveling like a raisin.

"Hot damn!" Blake cheered. He performed the spell again, and Joe, too, was released. They had barely enough time to reach the shore before the body of the beast breached the surface. Then they saw that it was, as they has suspected, a gigantic black octopus.

"I've got it!" cried Adam. "I'll cast _Daze_ on it," which caused the octopus to flail about, "and now Amakiir, you hit it with a _Magic Missile_!"

He did. The cavern erupted in a blinding flash of light and a deafening explosion that bounced off the walls of the cavern. When their vision returned and their ears quit ringing, they found that the beach where they were standing was covered in octopus parts.

"I knew it," said Adam. "Blake's spell shouldn't have affected it like that; we're only level-one. That's when I realized it must be incredibly vulnerable to magic."

"Good thinking," said Vernon.

"Well, now we've got all this octopus laying around," observed Doug. "I say we eat it."

"I was just thinking that exact thing," said Adam.

Joe and Vernon got to work building up the fire a good deal bigger than it had been. They also crafted a makeshift spit, and set to work roasting the octopus. Then they feasted for the first time in this new world.


End file.
